for 3.19.09

My "Carpe The Diem" to-do list for tomorrow, March 19th of 2009:

1. Learn 5 words in another language.

2. Forgive someone who "did me wrong" but didn't even know it.

3. Laugh. Several times. Out loud.

4. Send a loved one a postcard with an uplifting note.

5. Read 2 pages of a book that overwhelms me, and rest assured that's progress.

A good start; five little things, infinite possibilities...

xo

J

restless

I am eager

to shift my shape,

to move my muscles;

lift off into the wind.

Enough simplicity,

enough stillness.

Give me treasure hunts

on winding roads.

Let me leap 

into the unknown.

Let me spin 

until the air

breathes me in.

Let me learn

to use my wings.

Let me be.

fear and loathing in ballet class

Today I became a ballerina. At the tender young age of 27, I decided to take my first ever ballet class at a sweet little studio near my home, and I've just spent an hour and a half working muscles I didn't even know I had. Suffice it to say I now have a new appreciation for all the dainty, graceful, and seemingly effortless performances I've seen done by all ballerinas, prima or otherwise. (Whether you're center stage in the spotlight or way in the back holding up a piece of the set, those moves are hard!!)

My dance drug of choice thus far in my life has been BharathaNatyam, a form of Classical Indian dance that I love, and which has some striking similarities to the basic forms of ballet. When my new teacher - a precious and yummy-smelling woman named Benedicte - discovered I already had a foundation in movement, she launched right into the complicated stuff. "Great," I thought delightedly; "Bring it on."

So she did. Big time. And somewhere in between the demi-plie arabesque and the petit battement sur le cou-de-pied (I didn't actually do this one; I just think the name sounds awesome!!), my two most familiar fears entered my brain: fear of learning something new, and fear of working really hard to become good at it. We've become quite close, those fears and I, and they drop in to say hello on a regular basis. We have tea and crumpets, and, like all good risk-management personnel, they keep me safe. It's nice. 

And boring.

This evening, as luck would have it, my brain was quite preoccupied by the tasks at hand, so, try as they might, those fears could not get my full attention. And what happened as a result was fascinating: they went away. Bit by bit, thought by thought, they diminished until they finally disappeared. As they got smaller, my joy got bigger. My focus increased. My desire to learn - and my commitment to learning - went through the roof. And I was completely present in those beautiful moments of my life. The best part was, when I missed a step, the world did not fall off its axis. Nor did everyone point and laugh. Life went on, I kept up, and I loved it.

I am now the proud owner of a 10-class pass. Time to buy a tutu.

the present

Journal entry  12.24.08:

Life

is a series

of serious, silly, and sad.

But why chase one

and lament the other?

They are all perfect;

they come in

in perfect time

like the tide 

pulled by the moon

or the chariot

bearing forth the sun.

Awake and sing

in celebration

of now.

notes on a birthday

Every so often, I come dangerously close to over-thinking my entire existence; that or wishing for the one that looks closer to the picture in the magazine. But I've been meditating (and therefore breathing) much more deeply these past few months, and progress has been made. Hooray.

On Saturday, as I was driving to a friend's boyfriend's birthday party, I hit a speed bump - a figurative one - by letting myself get lost in thoughts about life and the living of it. More specifically - and rather unfortunately - this train of thought was about my life and the not living of certain parts of it. I had pulled out my whip and was using it to whoop. Ouch. 

Then, suddenly, this flowed uninterrupted through my mind:

"Make a habit

of loving where you are

and forgiving yourself

for where you're not.

These practices

will bring in

a sense of peace

which is necessary

to be able

to thrust yourself forward

into the chaos

that breeds

fulfilled success."

I pulled over, wrote it down, stared at it, and smiled. Then I copied it into Jerry's birthday card. And then we celebrated.